#but just remembering another blorbo who :( ...get what you deserve... and bounced back to being someone better. miss KH I LOVE UUUUUUU

[grahamcarmen]

I saw someone say the angst between Carmen and gray should have been developed more and like dude, most of us are dying over how angsty and tragic they are years later what more do you want.

i think this criticism is only valid because it asks for more gray/carmen which is the noblest thing that the CS crew could have given us and i would have eaten it all up! [please the people are starving, thank you for the christmas crumbs but we WANT SOME MO-]

BUT FOR REAL THEY MAKE ME FEEL SOOOO MANY EMOTIONS?? LIKE NEW YEAR TOMORROW AND THAT MONTH WILL MAKE WHAT?? 6 YEARS?? OF CS??

and the opera sad face still gets me

and grays face of regret with the flames gets to me

and carmen's little soft sad "gray's" get to me

and GRAY'S REGRET??? being yanked to the surface still stabs at my heart??

the colors of red STREAKING ALL THE WHITE as she says BYE WHEN SHE OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T WANT THAT???

THEM SWALLOWING THEIR FEELINGS ?? CARMEN JUST BEING SO OBVIOUSLY STILL AFFECTED BY HIM??

WHEN CARMEN LOOKS AT THE NEW CHANCE WITH HER LITTLE

and EXCUSE YOU GRAY?? WHY DO YOU HAVE A MATCHING FOR HIMALAYAS

HOWWWWWWWW?

her whole mission if it wasn't to be on the same side to at least keep him safe just absolutely blowing up in both of their faces as he's the last straw for her to truly collapse?

the way Gray has her down in his subconcious???

the underlying themes of lies and truth and regret and redemption and LOVE ??

THEY USED TO BE BEST BUDDIES!!! AND NOW THEY'RE NOT!!!

THEY'RE ENEMIES!!! BUT THEY DON'T WANNA BE!!

THEY CAN ACCEPT THAT ITS IN THE PAST BUT THEY WANT A FUTURE POSSIBILITY SO BAD!!

AND GRAY GOING I KNOW YOU WON'T COME BACK?? TO WHISPERING PLEASE COME BACK??

BYE BYE SAID AS COLDLY AS ONE DESERVES* AND IT FREAKING BREAKS HER DOWN??

CARMEN WHO HATES VILE SO BAD GOING INTO ITS HEART TO SEE IF SHE CAN STILL FIND HIM??

GRAY WHO THINKS HE'S FINE STUCK IN HIS OLD WAYS THROWING IT ALL AWAY??

FOR LOVE????????

omfg...they love each other...

and yet!!!!! and yet!! and yet!!

The angst was top tier

[bleachbleachbleach]

hi!! I’ve been binge reading ur fics and I’m so glad that it led me to your blog!! Hinamori and Hitsugaya are also my blorbos and I love your take on their characters and dynamic which is that they’re different flavors of what it’s like to be young and screwed over by the system you’ve been nothing but dutiful towards. In Hinamori’s case, she earnestly did believe in the ideals of the Gotei 13 (like seriously, one of her first character defining moments is rushing towards someone who needs help regardless of orders to do otherwise like with renji being injured and hisagi being attacked) but was constantly screwed over by the someone who she thought was the personification of those ideals and was just expected to immediately bounce back from that . Meanwhile Hitsugaya, who was already more reluctant from the get go, not only had to watch all that happen to her in real time, but keeps getting thrust into every shit show from the fuck factory because he unfortunately possesses the skills to do so. In some of your fics, Momo frets over how much being a Shinigami takes so much from him without giving him much back for his efforts and I wonder if he hasn’t thought the same about her?

And yet…at the heart of it…both of them just want to do good!! They just want to do right by people even if it’s in the world that constantly tries to chew them up and spit them out. Hinamori would still fret over and try to rush towards someone she thinks needs help and Hitsugaya will still go into a shit job sighing but hell still do it by the virtue of being one of the few ppl that can. I’m sorry if this ended up turning into a ramble but you just get it!!! God, they need another cathartic non traumatic field trip post TYBW. We rlly deserved a scene after all the battles where they make a long walk towards each other, stumble into each other’s arms or even just sit next to each other and go “holy shit you’re still here. We’re still here” and not get disturbed for 20 mins before they help each other up and do their jobs again.

This is from over a month ago now, dear anon, I am SO sorry. I was feeling really good about being on top of recent asks and then remembered that we have several months of messages we have failed to respond to. It is not for lack of appreciation, truly! Just lack of being on this page. I remember reading this message when you sent it and being, at the time, EXTREMELY hormonal and it was so kind and so needed and it means a lot that you came here to say it. <333333333333

Something I hear a lot is “the institution will not love you back”—the warning being not to fall into the trap of loving it, or giving too much to it, because it will only take. I think that’s true, but I also think that there are many professions that make the actual practice of this impossible, because they require you not to love, per se, but to really care, and really give—if only because if you don’t, then the thing becomes a monster. It is alive, it is not a thing that withers and desiccates if you do not care for it. It becomes a worse thing and harm is done, if you don’t care, no matter how much you’ll never get back when doing so.

I imagine the Gotei being a lot like that, and while I don’t imagine Hinamori or Hitsugaya loving the Gotei (Hinamori might have been, during various periods of her life, closer to that word than Hitsugaya will ever be; and I think at points may have even thought so, or entertained the slippage being loving the Gotei and loving other things; but even then, even then—) they definitely care a lot. It’s a troubled care, and something I find really interesting about both of them is their ongoing negotiation of how to believe in some version of the Gotei but not believe in it but adhere but not adhere but fuck all but not fuck all.

You asked, “In some of your fics, Momo frets over how much being a Shinigami takes so much from him without giving him much back for his efforts and I wonder if he hasn’t thought the same about her?”

I think he does, but in a different way than Hinamori does for him. In my version of their story, Hinamori has a certainty about how the math works out, and it’s not really in Hitsugaya’s favor, and she mourns that. Regardless of how she understands Hitsugaya to have internalized it, she is going to mourn that. It’s not that she doesn’t care about the first part, it’s just part of some other math.

Thinking about Hinamori, Hitsugaya has also done the math, but it’s not really the straight math he’s focused on. He’s more interested in how Hinamori is carrying it, if that makes sense. He wants to know her thought process, and what he sees there is going to impact how he feels about it. Like, the math’s bad, it will always be bad, but is it hurting her? Does her attitude toward it feel like delusion masking pain, or is it the clarity of acceptance coupled with conviction? She carries it differently than he does, he knows, and as long as he can be certain that it’s not that first thing, he can accept her acceptance. He admires her for it, that particular kind of resolute clarity. His version of it is not the same (and to him feels like a worse version). It’s not naivete; it’s not delusion, or desperation. It is Hinamori.